100 Rules for Living in Game of Thrones
by Black Jellyfish
Summary: Essential guidelines to follow if you ever have to live within the Game of Thrones universe.
1. Chapter 1

1\. Mind your tolerance for alcohol; who knows what angry boar or crazed warrior or whatever else will come for your life when you are in a stupor.

2\. Do not accept loans from the Iron Bank unless absolutely necessary.

3\. Do not insult or attack anyone who has accepted you as a guest.

4\. Conversely, do not antagonize any armed man or armed men you have taken in as a host or hosts.

5\. Do not trust anyone who has the last name of "Baelish."

6\. Do not trust anyone who uses a lion as a sigil.

7\. Those from the likes of House Stark are generally trustworthy, but keep a dagger at the ready just in case.

8\. If you hire a mercenary to fight for you, prepare a vial of poison if you ever suspect he will accept a higher payment from your enemy.

9\. Do not assume that bribes can get you out of anything; some people are too moral or too bloodthirsty to care for money.

10\. Always be prepared to inspect even the smallest injury you suffer, for medicine is rare and infection is all too common.


	2. Chapter 2

11\. Be cautious when consorting with prostitutes; they can always exploit any information they get from you.

12\. Remain in minimal contact with any Red Priest or Red Priestess. There is nothing they will not do to you if they believe it would please their Lord of Light.

13\. If you are approached by a small child who came out of nowhere, do not assume he or she is harmless. Ever.

14\. Maintain no contact with any slaver while in Westeros; such people are shamed and persecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

15\. Do not travel to any place where slavery is practiced on a large scale. Any potential rebellion could be ignited and claim your life.

16\. If you must borrow money, **always make sure you can pay it back**. **This cannot be emphasized more**.

17\. If you own armor, do not wear it every hour of every day. Grime, heat, and muscle strain can exact a terrible toll on you.

18\. If you become a soldier on behalf of a great House, never assume yourself to be indispensable. Not even if you reach a high position.

19\. If you become a sellsword, never assume you can climb up the social ladder as a matter of course.

20\. Before you accept someone as your cupbearer, make a full background check on that person.


	3. Chapter 3

21\. If you need to choose a champion for a trial by combat, try to choose a cliff or a river, so that your opponent may fall to his death or be drowned.

22\. If you have to choose a human champion for a trial by combat, choose a person as far away from you as possible. This is a useful waste of time in which you could plan an escape.

23\. If you are engaged in a trial by combat, focus your attacks on your opponent's right leg, left leg and groin.

24\. If your opponent is on his back, keep a safe distance and stab him safely.

25\. Do not try to directly fight the likes of Loras Tyrell, Sandor Clegane, or Jaime Lannister. Instead, shoot them in the back of the head with a crossbow.

26\. Do not try to fight Brienne of Tarth, not even with a ranged weapon. Her plot armor is resistant to the likes of Loras Tyrell, Sandor Clegane, and Jaime Lannister.

27\. Do not use a sword in a fight. It requires too much maintenance and requires more training to use. A spear has more reach, an axe has more power, and a knife is more compact.

28\. Stay away from wildfire at any cost, even if you are a soldier who could be punished for deserting.

29\. If you are confronted by an opponent on a horse, shoot the horse first.

30\. If you ever get a chance to slap Joffrey Baratheon, make sure to wear either a mail-backed glove or a steel gauntlet.


	4. Chapter 4

Do not become a prostitute. Never mind the diseases common in the industry; prostitutes are prime targets for murder and mutilation.

If you employ the service of a prostitute, make sure they are unarmed.

Maintain a distance of at least one hundred feet from any noble or royal convoy.

If you become a member of the City Watch, do not aspire to take the place of the commander; he will have to take the fall for whatever troubles tarnish the group's image.

If you are in a city under siege, prepare a stash of supplies and place them under the floor of your dwelling place.

Do not keep all your money in a single place; bandits are a menace in the land and thieves are a plague in the cities.

If you become part of an armed force, familiarize yourself with the face of each of your coworkers. False colors are not unheard of in war.

If you have to travel, try to do so without a horse, for such an animal is another mouth to feed.

39\. The best food for a long journey is salted meat.

40\. If you know a lustful nobleman or noblewoman is coming near, _run away_.


	5. Chapter 5

41\. If you take the black, make sure to remain non confrontational with your brothers.

42\. If you take the black, make sure to bring any weapons you can find with you; the service ones could fail, you know.

43\. Do not take the side of the Free Folk in a combat situation, they have never decisively won in any significant battle.

44\. If you need to give someone or yourself a prosthetic, choose a simple and versatile hook.

45\. If you on the run from enemies, do not light a fire, especially at night.

46\. Never turn your back on an enemy.

47\. If you have any important secrets, make sure to keep them unless it is absolutely necessary to reveal them.

48\. A secret location can protect you better than any number of bodyguards.

49\. Never assume a lone child who suddenly approaches you is not dangerous. Search him/her immediately.

50\. If you are captured and put in a cage, make sure to urinate out the holes and defecate in a far corner.


	6. Chapter 6

51\. If you are in a situation where you cannot wear armor, hide wooden boards underneath your clothes.

52\. Use a crossbow only as a last resort, for it can only fire once before a lengthy reload.

53\. Never take part in a fight without a helmet.

54\. It is never a good idea to taunt a gold cloak.

55\. It is an even worse idea to antagonize an armed Sparrow.

56\. If you are homosexual, make sure there are no witnesses to your "nocturnal activities."

57\. Never agree to serve as a bodyguard to a fat noble passing through a crowd of starving smallfolk.

58\. If you must go to the Wall, train yourself to deftly treat frostbite.

59\. Never cut down a weirwood tree in the presence of a Northerner.

60\. Do not make fun of, hit, starve, kick, insult, or threaten a direwolf under any circumstances.


	7. Chapter 7

61\. Never trust a convict with your life.

62\. If you regularly use a bladed instrument, always carry a spare whetstone.

63\. Never light your sword on fire, for it is essential that your weapon's internal integrity remains strong.

64\. Do not act abusive towards a squire or servant, for you do not know when he or she will snap.

65\. Do not believe everything a tortured person tells you.

66\. If Iron Islanders come your way through water, recruit and arm a contingent of archers before they make port.

67\. Always be wary of a man with a stick.

68\. Always be wary of a woman who smiles too eagerly and too often.

69\. Always evaluate a man's capacity to work before giving him a job.

70\. Commit nepotism as little as possible.


	8. Chapter 8

71\. If you must send an emergency message, send two ravens at once with the same message.

72\. If you wish to engage in intimate relations with a Red Priest or Red Priestess, identify their age first.

73\. Avoid getting guard duty in places like Harrenhal if possible.

74\. If you run a man through, slit his throat just in case.

75\. Do not light your sword on fire; no metal can keep its structural integrity in such a state.

76\. If you steal an enemy's uniform, make sure there is nothing on it that will be betray your real nature.

77\. Never use a sellsword as your personal bodyguard.

78\. When confronting White Walkers, always attack using arrows tipped with dragonglass.

79\. If you must confront a warg, shoot him with a bow or crossbow from afar.

80\. Bring plenty of waterskins for a trip to Dorne.


	9. Chapter 9

81\. Never sleep next to a woman of the Free Folk; it will end in tears.

82\. Do not antagonize a Faceless Man under any circumstance.

83\. Do not try to canvass support from the Brotherhood without Banners.

84\. Do not wear golden armor, for it will be heavy and susceptible to dangerous.

85\. Rely on crossbows as little as possible; they take to long to reload.

86\. Prepare a leather muzzle for any direwolf in your care.

87\. Do not interact with any women with a reputation for madness.

88\. When confronted with a khalasar, just poison their water supply.

89\. If you are trapped in the Black Cells, try to grab any visitor and keep him or her hostage.

90\. Do not punch any noble in the face. If violence is sorely needed, just toss a cow pie at him and run into a crowd.


	10. Chapter 10

91\. Use any means necessary to avoid becoming a prisoner of the Boltons, even suicide.

92\. If you have never been on a boat before, give it a few test runs before going on a voyage.

93\. If you have to transport a letter or a document concerning a strategy of war, make sure it is encoded.

94\. If an execution is required, a simple hanging will do. A more gruesome technique will simply direct hatred and suspicion towards you.

95\. Before entering the Vale for extensive traveling, make a good impression on the hill tribes.

96\. Never defile a symbol of the New Gods in front of a Faith Militant.

97\. Never eat enough to become obese, for as the initial High Septon can attest, that will tarnish your reputation among others.

98\. Never allow yourself to become bony and thin, for living in Westeros requires a great deal of physical strength.

99\. If you are given command over a group of sellswords, give them a great deal of provisions and suchlike so as to reduce their chances of turning against you.

100\. The very...

last…

rule…

is…

don't be a hero.


End file.
